One man’s problem is a community’s gain — When I finish reading one of your stories and I see that you have 113 claps, I get a little twitchy. It’s that “3” at the end. I don’t like it. Numbers should always be multiples of 10 or at the very least 5, so even if I hadn’t planned…

Last night, I was abducted by aliens. It could have been fun, but unfortunately, their anal probe was on the fritz. The darn thing blew a fuse while it was attached to me, and it totally burned my asshole. Now the hose is permanently fused to my body. The aliens…

What exactly do rich people do all day? That’s a fair question, and, as a former trophy wife, you’d think I’d have a good answer. The word “shady” comes to mind. Sorry that I can’t be more specific. My husband is probably not what you’d call “ethical,” but he treated…

“Lights! Camera! Action!” the director said. And that was my cue to drive my motorcycle through the window, give the fat guy a Karate chop, and then put my wiener in the naked lady’s mouth. It’s not easy being a stuntman/porno actor — especially when you have to do both…

He watches me get pounded in the rearview mirror — The limo company has strict rules about letting customers drive their cars. It’s probably a liability or insurance issue. Limos are very big vehicles, and it takes real skill to drive them. Still, money talks, and my husband Peter has a lot of it. We do this so often that…

Proving I can take care of her daughter’s needs — It’s the day after our wedding and Sofie’s parents are hosting an intimate brunch at their luxurious home. They’re old money, and I’m from a blue-collar Pittsburgh suburb. …

Is it still considered cheating if I couldn’t tell them apart? — It should have been obvious. They have scars on opposite cheeks. They wear eyepatches over opposite eyes. But then I was hit in the head by a falling tree branch, which temporarily fucked up my ability to tell right from left. Or, at least that’s the story I was going…

My psychic told me that I would find satisfaction with a new career opportunity. She also told me there was a 110% chance of rain the next day. I took that to mean I should pull the fire alarm at my current place of employment and set off the sprinklers…

Golf isn’t just for rich people. It’s also for angry gorillas who escape from the zoo. Sure, technically, they’re not allowed to join the country club, but when they show up on the green and take your golf clubs, it’s best to just let them play. …