Medium should keep it on the menu by paying its writers — After reading R C Hammond’s reflections on the current state of Medium, I commented that I haven’t seen all that much fluctuation in my earnings. But having looked more closely at my stats, I realize this is because the August bump carried over into the first half of September. Looking…

It sucks to be ostracized. When that happens, everyone you know suddenly stops talking to you just because you’ve been turned into a giant ugly bird that can run really fast. I wish I had been eaglacized instead because at least eagles can fly. Wizards who ostracize people should be…

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. — By “beauty,” I mean my jizz, and by “beholder,” I mean some prostitute. At least that’s where the “beauty” was when I left her. It’s possible she has cleaned her eye out since then, but it’s unlikely because her other eye had bullets in it. Don’t worry; I didn’t shoot…

You don’t have to like Bert Kreischer to like the movie; you just have to not hate him — Bert Kreischer’s comedy isn’t for everyone. He’s loud, crude, and has an excruciating voice when he gets excited. He’s like a giant capybara. Some people judge him by the company he keeps, and if you’re of the mind that Joe Rogan is a racist conspiracy nut, then you might have…

“Say, where did you get that new kidney?” Nildo asked. “None of your business,” I said. “On an unrelated note, sorry you have such a nasty gash on your lower back. I’ll bet it hurts.” “How did you know I had a gash?” he asked. “I’m wearing a snowsuit.” “I…

Following an ancient map, I explore her cave and dig for gold — The map had been in my father’s mancave since I was a kid. I thought it was a movie prop until my stepmom Wilma pointed out that the pirate in the movie was named One-eyed Willy, whereas the one mentioned on the map is One-eyed Wally. For a woman who…

My wife, an actor in the show, watches with confusion from the stage — It’s not exactly Broadway, but my sweet wife Sophie has a role in the local production of Tom Borton’s Bug Beverage, a musical adaption of his classic film. It’s opening night, and we’re all nervous, yet excited. For me, the nervousness stems from the fact that I’ve been fucking my…

“Oh, waiter!” Moguss said. “There’s a fly in my soup!” “Sorry,” the waiter said. “Let me take care of that for you.” But instead of getting Moguss a new bowl of soup, the waiter put a live frog in the soup. Because frogs eat flies. “That’s not going to work,”…

You can’t spell “assassin” without going in two asses. Think about it. It’s why all the best ninjas are into butt stuff. But it’s not just about sodomy. They’re always “accidentally” sitting on Chinese throwing stars. They enjoy lighting their hemorrhoids on fire with Bunsen burners turned up to “full…