When your fantasies and terrors combine under a total solar eclipse — Seven minutes and 32 seconds — that’s how long a total Solar eclipse lasts. Luckily, that happens to be exactly how long it takes me to get off. It’s 1:34 in the afternoon, and the town of Baskerville is barking about the upcoming celestial event. People have their eclipse viewers…

Confession: I voted for Ralph Nadar in 2000. And Jill Stein in 2012. And Jill Stein again in 2016. The day after the election in November of 2016, I remember that feeling of shock and despair when it finally sunk in that Donald Trump was going to be our president…

The Erotic Adventures of a Woman and her Washing Machine The bad news is my husband was recently killed in a horrific car accident. He fell asleep at the wheel and hit a gigantic moose that was on fire because of climate change. …

Comedian Bill Maher likes to blame all of the world’s problems on sugar. Don’t want to get COVID? Stop being so obese. How do you stop being obese? Stop eating sugar. Sugar, sugar, sugar. He brings it up at least once every episode of his show. Do people consume too…

Singapore has it right. Gum-chewing is a crime worthy of a good caning. It certainly deserves a harsher sentence than selling drugs or committing insurance fraud. Sticking gum to things in public is the worst kind of vandalism; worse, even, than discarding Band-Aids and cigarette butts on the street. In…

Growing up, my father always wanted me to be an athlete. “Quit being a pussy musician and learn combat skills,” he used to say. The recorder was my instrument of choice, and if he caught me playing it, I got “the belt”. It’s not like I didn’t try to be…

Jerking off with telekinesis is the best! I’ve heard people say that jerking off with your weaker hand makes it feel like someone else. The same effect is achieved if you tie a string around your bicep and make your hand fall asleep. Or you can use a vacuum cleaner. …

The word “benefit” tastes like soggy Shredded Wheat. The word “family” tastes like fresh-out-of-the-oven Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies. The word “old-fashioned” tastes like Country Time instant lemonade. …

Russian composer Dmitri Shostakovich kept a bag packed at all times and was prepared to flee at a moment’s notice should he suddenly fall out of Stalin’s favor. He had been on thin ice before, and it almost cost him his career and freedom. Fast-forward to the 1980s, when Americans…