The short answer: The porn books sell better than my mystery novels. — To this day, the above image is the most successful piece of art I have ever made. It’s still making its way around the internet, popping up as a new meme once or twice a year, which typically leads to a mini-surge in book sales. I can’t explain it. …

Confession: I voted for Ralph Nadar in 2000. And Jill Stein in 2012. And Jill Stein again in 2016. The day after the election in November of 2016, I remember that feeling of shock and despair when it finally sunk in that Donald Trump was going to be our president…

The word “benefit” tastes like soggy Shredded Wheat. The word “family” tastes like fresh-out-of-the-oven Tollhouse chocolate chip cookies. The word “old-fashioned” tastes like Country Time instant lemonade. …

Russian composer Dmitri Shostakovich kept a bag packed at all times and was prepared to flee at a moment’s notice should he suddenly fall out of Stalin’s favor. He had been on thin ice before, and it almost cost him his career and freedom. Fast-forward to the 1980s, when Americans…

CHAPTER ONE: THE LAB ASSISTANT “Igor, you humpbacked freak!” the doctor shouted. “Grab the fire extinguisher and get over here!” Igor was not my name, but I would never correct her. I left my Petri dishes of C. elegans and rushed to her side with the fire extinguisher. On the…

For a while, what bummed me out most about the upcoming nuclear holocaust was the realization that the only people to survive will be total assholes. …

A free blast of hand sanitizer? Don’t mind if I do! And I’ll help myself to a free disinfectant wipe, as well. That way, as I walk around the supermarket, I can wipe down everything I’m putting into my cart, because COVID or no COVID, those delivery trucks are nasty…

Dear Jesus and Satan, I’m extremely confused. The night after my interview with Sean Hannity on Fox News, I had a wet dream about him. Now I can’t the bastard out of my head. He’s one of the worst human beings on the planet, spewing hateful, anti-democratic ideas on a…