Can someone be accidentally hit by a train? Professor Neglecto and his team of graduate students intended to find out. First, they had to define what they meant by “accidentally.” Would victim negligence count? Like, if someone got drunk and fell asleep on the tracks, for example. On one hand…

Hunting tigers with nunchucks — I met tech billionaire Jonathan Tate at a firing range. At first, I thought he was hitting on me because he kept staring at my chest. It turns out he’s just incapable of making direct eye contact. He was impressed with my shooting skills and offered me half a million…

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, and if you’re careful, you can even pick your friend’s nose. But you can’t pick your enemy’s nose. Not without a decent saw, at least. …

The real meal is what happens under the table — Holidays are always stressful. Now, imagine how much more awkward they become after you’ve fucked your mother-in-law. And I don’t mean that I only fucked her once. Since my wedding to her daughter Sophie three months ago, Mrs. Madeline Worthington and I have been smashing gennies pretty much around the…

Little Shop of Favors — In case it isn’t obvious, the Penis Fly Trap eats cum. She entices men with hinged leaves that look like a pussy, and then when they stick their cock in, the leaves slams shut. …

What does a zombie have in common with a runaway bride? — One man’s shack is another man’s mansion. I’m a zombie, so it’s not like I need heat or electricity. It helps to have a roof over my head, though, because my skin soaks up rain like a sponge. I’m reading Pride and Prejudice by candlelight when a woman bursts through…

“Gobble, Gobble,” I said to the turkey. “That’s what you sound like.” “Fuck you,” he said. Upon further inspection, I realized it wasn’t a turkey; it was just a guy with a bad haircut and lots of loose skin on his neck. But that didn’t stop me from slicing off…

I don’t mean to alarm you, but the last three women who guzzled my cum are dead. They died of asphyxiation exactly six hours after they swallowed the loads, which is consistent with the progression of the neurotoxins found in the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider. In related news…

And then we cuckold him for the ultimate humiliation — As I walk through the front door of my old high school, I’m overcome by an intense feeling of dread. It’s the same dread I felt every single day for four miserable years. Will the hot girls laugh at me when I try to talk to them? Will the jocks…