Black Iris: Chapter Five
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CHAPTER FIVE
I wake up surrounded by light, lying flat on a marble slab. A green-skinned man with a King Tut goatee and an Atef crown looks down on me with disappointment in his eyes.
“Hey, Osiris.”
“Hi.”
“You saw, huh.”
“I saw what was in your stomach.”
“Would you believe I was poisoned?”
“I’ve been the ruler of the Underworld for eons. I think I know a suicide when I see one.”
“Ok, but let me explain. I had — ”
“Your dick was broken. I know. Your mother told me.”
“She’s telling people?”
“She told me you were on a waiting list for a penis transplant.”
“Yeah, and it was going to take seven years. I couldn’t go that long without sex. I would have literally gone insane. And why wait when I don’t have to?”
He sighs. “This was really irresponsible.”
“I don’t understand what the big deal is. It was my life to spend as I chose, and I decided to trade it for a new dick.”
“Lives aren’t like furs or spices. You can’t barter with them.”
“Nobody’s talking about the spice trade anymore. When was the last time you were on Earth?”
He squints. “You shouldn’t make light of this.”
“I’m not. Or at least I don’t mean to. I just don’t see how it’s any of your business.”
“I’m the God of the Afterlife. All death is my business. Plus, your mom is my boss.”
“Does she know yet?”
“Not yet, but I know how she feels about this sort of thing. Be glad you still have two lives left.”
I haven’t spoken to her since our conversation about the transplant list. That was over three weeks ago. She’s too self-involved to realize what a dark place I’ve been in, so my guess is she’ll be surprised.
“Do you really have to tell her?”
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”
“Can’t you just let me tell her?”
“You’re going to tell her?”
“I mean, maybe not right away. But soon.”
He shakes his head. “Well, if she asks me point blank, I’m not going to lie. I’m not getting in trouble for this.”
“Fair enough. Now if you’re done lecturing me, please send me back down. I want to take my new dick for a test drive.”
