My friend Tim tells me that when Jefferson Davis was dying, they encased him in bronze to preserve him until doctors could invent a cure for whatever disease he had. It was the 19th Century version of what they did with Walt Disney. Tim goes on to say that the statue of Davis in front of the Alabama State Capitol isn’t a statue at all — it’s the real Jefferson Davis!
Sure, Tim has been known to tell a tall tale now and again. He said his sister could turn into a walrus when the truth is he doesn’t even have a sister. But he would never lie about something as important as this Jefferson Davis thing. In any case, I needed to see this so-called “statue” for myself.
Looking back now, I should have at least consulted the Jefferson Davis Wikipedia page before shelling out $1200 on airfare, but sometimes you just gotta grab life by the balls, you know? Besides, Alabama is beautiful this time of year.
In the year of “our” Lord 2022, Confederate Statues are few and far between, which is obviously a good thing. I mean those guys were totally into slavery and stuff, so why should they be honored with statues? But I’m all for giving people a chance to see the error of their ways. If it really is Jefferson Davis trapped inside that statue, then maybe we can get him out of there and talk some sense into him.
And then, maybe he can convince these Proud Boy jerks to take a chill pill.
But as soon as we get to the Alabama State Capitol building, I realize Tim is full of shit.
“Uh, there’s no way that’s the real Jefferson Davis,” I say. “That thing is nine and a half feet tall.”
“So? He could still be in there. Maybe they designed it so he had some room to wiggle his toes.”
“You’re saying it’s less like an Iron Man suit and more like a coffin?”
“Sure, why not?”
I shake my head. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into coming here.”
“Don’t blame me. All I did was give you the facts. It was your idea to hop on a plane.”
“Fair enough. Anyway, let’s go back to the hotel and take a nap. Our flight back home leaves in four hours, and I can’t sleep on planes.”