Divine Advice for He-Man
Dear Divine Advice,
I’m used to enjoying a certain level of respect. At restaurants, I get seated immediately even if I don’t have a reservation, I can park my Bashasaurus wherever I want and never get a ticket, and I don’t have to wait in line at Disneyland Eternia. I can vanquish Skeletor with my eyes closed, I can beat Lebron James at B-A-T-T-L-E-C-A-T with one hand tied behind my back, I can run a 45-minute marathon and a 6-second 100m, I have a 20-meter long jump, I can throw a 135 mph fastball, I have a 145 mph slap shot, and can kick a 101-yard field goal. In spite of all this, I’m incredibly depressed.
In public, I like to project this image of a huge, super-confident bodybuilder who never wears a shirt, but deep down inside, I’m a slightly smaller bodybuilder who dresses like a 16th-century thespian. The fucked-up thing is that, as He-man, all the woman love me, but I’m gay, meanwhile as Prince Adam, I’m totally straight but all the women think I’m gay. It has led to two separate lives of celibacy. Sometimes I wish I never held aloft that sword and said “I have the power!!!” I know Cringer wishes that as well. All he ever wanted was work in a circus and occasionally maul a child, and I went ahead and turned him into a liger without his consent. It’s pretty shitty if you think about it. PETA has been on my ass about it for years, but I’m just not compassionate enough to give a shit.
Anyway, the reason I wrote in is that something really upsetting happened recently. The other day I went to fetch She-Ra for supper and found her sitting on Fakor’s face. Can you imagine? My twin sister fucking a guy that looks just like me. Yeah, he’s blue and has orange hair, but for some reason nobody can tell us apart, and I know she thought it was me. I mean, she was screaming my name as she came. So what am I supposed to do about this? Should I kill both of them and throw their corpses into a volcano? I know that won’t really solve the problem, but that’s all I’ve been able to come up with, so unless you can suggest something else…
Normally, I don’t turn people away just because they’re not Christian, but Eternia is in another dimension and thus is outside of my jurisdiction. You should be praying to The Sorceress of Greyskull or whoever is in charge of your ass-backwards cult. I mean the shit you believe makes Scientology seem sane. And you guys are lucky you’re so far away because I know a certain Egyptian god who would sue that bitch over that falcon headdress she’s always wearing. Talk about cultural appropriation.
Anyway, you asked for advice, so let me give it. Your best bet is to just leave Fakor and She-Ra alone. They make each other happy, so who are you to get in their way? Is it weird that your sister’s boyfriend looks just like you? Maybe, but they aren’t hurting anyone. Now, I’m no psychologist, but the problem might just be that you’re jealous. If that’s the case, maybe you can commission Skeletor to build you a blue version of She-Ra. I know that’s what Conan the Barbarian would do in your shoes.
— Jesus Christ
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your situation is worse than you realize — you’re in a full-on Fight Club scenario. That’s right: Fakor is actually just another one of your personalities. I’ll wait while you run through a series of memories where you thought you were talking to your blue doppelgänger only to now realize that you were actually talking to yourself.
Now that you know you’ve been fucking your own twin sister, it’s time to figure out what to do about it. If it were me, I’d cut off my dick and feed it to Battle Cat, but that’s because I’m not an incestuous freak. For you, maybe this is actually good news. You seemed bummed about being single, and now you know you’ve been getting laid all along. And let’s be honest — She-Ra is a babe. She’s certainly hotter than that lesbian Teela you’ve been wasting all your energy on. Of course, this only helps the Adam version of you. For your He-Man persona, I suggest you finally tell Ram-Man how you really feel, then just bend over and let him do his thing. Maybe you’ve always thought of yourself as a top, but come on… the guy’s name is Ram-Man.