The Hamburglar Would F*** Wimpy Up

Illustration by Ryan Klemek

They say you should never bring a knife to a gunfight, but if the guy with the knife is The Hamburglar and the guy with the gun is Wimpy, and there’s a giant plate of hamburgers on the line, then all bets are off.

The Tale of the Tape
In one corner, you have a fat schlep in his late 30’s who is literally called Wimpy. Sure, maybe it’s an ironic nickname, but there’s no denying that he’s well over 300 pounds of marshmallow, moves like a snail, and looks like he can barely see.

In the other corner, you have The Hamburglar, a short firecracker of a man who looks like a bag of melted candy corns. He’s got cauliflower ear and only one tooth, which suggests he’s been in a brawl or two. His demented grin tells me he don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuck.

Both of these men are career criminals, of course, but Wimpy is the kind that spends a few nights a week in the drunk tank at the local police station, while The Hamburglar has clearly done some hard time. Being a criminal is such an important part of The Hamburglar’s identity that he never takes off his mask and 1930s prison fatigues. Rumor has it that he used to roll with Whitey Bulger and the Winter Hill Gang back in the day.

It’s possible that Wimpy is secretly a badass like the Kingpin in Daredevil, but his quiet, lazy demeanor suggests otherwise

Talking Smack
If you want to know how big of a pussy Wimpy is, his catchphrase says it all. “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.” He’s not making a threat, he’s not trying to trick anyone, he’s just begging. I know he’d swipe a burger off the warming shelf at McDonalds when nobody was looking, but if he got caught, he’d just slink away with his fat tail between his legs. You don’t respect a guy like that, and you certainly aren’t afraid of him.

Meanwhile, The Hamburglar says “robble, robble.” What the hell does it mean? Nobody fucking knows, but it tells you just how much of a lunatic he is (as if the hat and cape didn’t tell you that already). Is he human? Is he from Planet Earth? Is he going to cut out your tongue, grill it up like caramelized onions, and put it on top of his burger? These are the questions that have to be going through your head when you square off against a guy like that.

Raging Bull
A gun is supposed to be the great equalizer. It turns the smallest, weakest little nobody into somebody that can kill you. Of course, you have to remember to load it, be able to aim it, and have the balls to pull the trigger before the other person can wrestle it away from you. But let’s assume Wimpy knows how to handle a firearm (he’s American, so it’s not that far-fetched.) And let’s say he manages to squeeze off a few rounds before The Hamburglar closes the distance. I’m not even sure a bullet can stop The Hamburglar; in fact, I’ll bet shooting him just makes him madder. And if you’re trying to take a plate of hamburgers away from him, he’s already plenty mad. Firing a gun at him just guarantees that he’ll gut you like a pig before the smoke clears from the barrel. Plus, you have to consider that guns in the cartoon universe often just shoot out little signs that say “bang.” I guess if you stand close enough, that sign could impale someone, but you can’t count on something like that happening.

When it comes down to it, a gun isn’t going to do Wimpy much good, and no matter how you look at it, he’s probably not walking away from this fight. Worst case scenario: The Hamburglar decides he doesn’t even want to use his knife and just goes at Wimpy with his bare hands and teeth. That’s a much messier and painful way to go. Afterwards, I’ll bet the Hamburglar stands there over Wimpy’s still-warm corpse, eating that entire plate of burgers.

Coincidence: I noticed as I was writing this that today (2/22/22) is actor Paul Dooley’s 94th birthday. Dooley played Wimpy in Robert Altman’s 1980 live-action Popeye film. That was one fucked-up movie.

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I write dinosaur erotica and mysteries featuring horny cat people. I also do the book cover illustrations. Sometimes I write reviews for movies that don’t exist

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Ryan Klemek

Ryan Klemek

I write dinosaur erotica and mysteries featuring horny cat people. I also do the book cover illustrations. Sometimes I write reviews for movies that don’t exist

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